the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
