I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Couch. On fire.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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