So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Randomize
