Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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