I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
