Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
