I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
