Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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