I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
