I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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