I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
