his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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