I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
