I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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