Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
