I wanna passion pit in your ass
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
