puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
