I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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