How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
