dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
