I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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