life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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