Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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