today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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