Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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