I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Two words: nipple clamps
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