please come you make the beer taste better
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
