could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize