Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
