you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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