she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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