Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
