Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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