I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
