Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
