I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i out mim tonsoeep
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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