Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
