I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
