butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
