I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
