You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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