I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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