i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
