I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
