your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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