Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
