She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
His nipple licking is glorious
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