I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
