She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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