I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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