Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
