So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
