Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
