She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
